ask katie: the freewillmaxxx answers

What's your biggest piece of advice for someone who wants to make new friends as an adult but doesn't know where to start, especially in a town like AC where the third places keep disappearing?

FIND A HOBBY!!! It's so important to keep your mind fresh, learn new skills, push yourself outside of your comfort zone. Stagnant energy creates a depressive reality. If you're having a hard time finding out what adult you likes, think of something that genuinely brought you joy when you were younger. Maybe you played basketball or an instrument or you loved to read (or in my case, I loved to rollerblade). Then think of where you could fill that cup of yours. Find an adult pick up league, music lessons, a book club. Or go back to your local skating rink and try quads at 29 ;) We find out about partying, social media, love interests and forget about our hobbies. When was the last time you tried something for the first time? (Insert eye roll here). It's SCARY, I get it. You find community when you put yourself out there, and you find the right community when you put yourself out there ~authentically~

WE NEED MORE THIRD SPACES. I get it, you want to make a profit, but that eventually will come. Having a space where you can build community is so important. And if this business is willing to take a bit of a hit, they will build rapport and gain momentum. Your community is your best marketing. It's an investment. Figure it out AC.

You talk to people all night for a living. What's something you've learned about people from behind the bar that most people don't get to see?

Two things: people want to be seen and feel heard. I'm going to be honest, without social media, I would (and do) forget about 90% of regulars' names. Before you throw tomatoes at me, just know that I have the type of brain that forgets names unless I see them written down.

(Unpopular opinion: Mandatory name tags).

But you know what I don't forget? The fact that you're going through a heartbreak, your drink stirred exactly the way you like it, your concentration in your Master's program. I cry with you, I'm your confidant, your cheerleader, your relationship guru. I might tell you to leave your crappy s/o, but it's because I've gotten to know you and what you deserve. My biggest compliment is that I make people feel safe enough to be vulnerable. That I make them feel understood. That's important to me. And I feel so lucky to get to experience this.

The looksmaxxing thing, the ozempic thing, the filler thing, the filter thing. What do you say to someone (a friend, a stranger at the bar, yourself on a bad day) who's caught in the comparison spiral?

FULL STOP RIGHT NOW. It only makes you feel worse about yourself. I gave up filters years ago. Especially ones with any type of facial distortion. Because when you look back at a picture, you're not going to see your face. You're going to see an airbrushed version of yourself and naturally, you're going to compare. I don't want to even do that. The way you compare yourself to celebrities and face-tuned IG baddies. (And I'm not saying I don't support them, just the comparison is unhealthy).

You know, I don't think anyone is inherently ugly. I believe beauty can be found in every person I meet. From the shapes of your eyes, to the slope of your nose, your soul is on your sleeve and I can see it. I need you to see it, too. I hope you can see you're so much more than your outward appearance.

The next time you want to go to a Botox party or think Ozempic will be an easy fix, remember that it won't cure these feelings of inadequacy. There will always be more. You will always keep comparing. And smashing your face to get a more chiseled jawline IS NOT THE ANSWER. You will have irreparable nerve damage!

So please embrace how uniquely beautiful you are. Talk to yourself like you would talk to your best friend. Would you ever pick them apart the way you pick you apart? Actually, go home and sit in front of a mirror, say three things you appreciate about your body. Tell you that you are so beautiful. Do it every day. Do it in every mirror you pass. Do it until you stop believing you're not worthy of your own love.

Have you ever had to cut someone out of your life, and how did you know it was time? Alternately: have you ever stayed too long?

I have.

And I've stayed waaaay too long for far too many times in the past. If captain save-a-hoe was a wannabe Chicken Soup for the Soul advice columnist, it'd be me. Oh wait… ;) And save them from what, you ask? Themselves. I know the energy and the influence I have. I know that while I love and embrace my dark, I am so much light and I want to be that for someone who needs it. And sometimes it doesn't always attract the right energies. And sometimes I don't see it until it's too late and I'm invested in their toxic bs.

BUT REPEAT AFTER ME: I AM NO ONES SAVIOR AND IT IS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY.

So yaa I will leave, eventually. And I've gotten better at it over the years. But it's hard. You don't want to feel like you're giving up on someone… but if you let the wrong people linger you'll be giving up on yourself.

So listen to your body! Especially your tummy! How it feels around people. Are you comfortable or uneasy? How about your heart? Does it race? Your mind on overtime? If your body tells you it's in danger, listen!

What's a hard lesson you learned the messy way, and how do you actually confront a mistake instead of just spiraling about it?

I don't make mistakes, I'm perfect. (EEEEEYUCKKKK) HAHAHAHAHHA KIDDING!!!!

Mmmm I fuck up a bit. Especially when I'm upset. I prolong the inevitable—a tough conversation, a necessary cut off—and usually it makes it so much messier than necessary. Especially when I could've just communicated.

I try not to be messy, but my stubbornness is friggen annoying. Two years ago, I was in a situationship—a maybe could've been relationship—and when I caught feelings and could tell he caught feelings, too, instead of having a convo to DTR (define the relationship) I went on a date with another man and posted us cheersing drinks on IG.

He blocked me. I cried.

When we finally talked, I realized I was sooo hyper-fixated on him not communicating I didn't consider that, "Uhhhh dummy, you could've communicated, too."

I was heartbroken. Lesson learned.

What do you do when you catch yourself being unfair to someone, judging them before you've actually listened?

I don't catch myself judging too often, but when I do I have to tell myself to shut the fuck up if I'm being honest. Like "Katie, why were you about to judge???" And it doesn't happen often so when I catch myself judging I'm like, "Well does this judgement have anything to do with them or something I need to attend to internally."

Nine times out of ten if I start to judge, it is a valid judgement—like being a Trumper or a mean girl—but why am I judging a man for wearing shorts in 50 degree weather? Or when people think black pepper is spicy? Or when I just assume men are dogs or women with vocal fry are dumb. That's unfair and I wouldn't want that same judgement. And like I said, it doesn't happen often, because we all have our own shit, but when it does I gotta talk to myself like "stop being a hater, Katie. That shit is not cute."

Clavicular, briefly. Thoughts? Overrated, underrated, scared kid, freak, all of the above?

Weird weird weird. Prior to this, I actually didn't know who he was. I think I'm happy about that. I had to ask my friends and then I did go on a little deep dive of this kid. My initial thoughts? There needs to be a regulatory committee for "influencers." That feels very Big Brother I know, but hear me out: someone with ideals that unhealthy should not have a platform to influence ANYONE. And unfortunately, he is also a victim of society's UNREALISTIC standards. LOOKSMAXXING????? He looks like AI. And I feel sorry for anyone who buys this hype.

One piece of advice for anyone reading this who is lonely right now?

This feeling won't last forever.

I know it seems like everyone's having the time of their lives. They're "in love" or they're traveling and out every weekend, but people only show you what they want you to see. ESPECIALLY ON SOCIAL. Sometimes my loneliest moments were with other people. They were the wrong people or I was drained for trying to make sure everyone else felt full. You have to learn to become your own best friend. Take yourself out on a date!!! Pour into you. You're so worried about pouring into someone else but realistically how full is your cup. When you pour into you, you attract your people. When you love you, it radiates from you. Enjoy your company babes. It's precious.

Reader question from Tallyho: "How do I tell the guy I've been dating the past month I only see him as a friend? We already hooked up a few times yikes. Not regretting it but also probably shouldn't have."

Talking to you, TALLYHO!

This is a tricky situation and I absolutely wish I had a little more context (so what if I'm nosy LOL). You can change your mind, my love. Nothing is forever. But you need to rip that bandaid off, ASAPP. Because what's worse than not being interested? Leading someone on. Making them believe this could progress while you only see him as a friend? Not fair. And you could potentially be holding him back from being with someone who actually does want to date him. Who wants to eventually love him.

And if you think he doesn't notice, you're wrong. People can tell when you're not interested in them. They can feel it. He will ask questions because your actions will make him feel unworthy/insecure. Whether you slow down on intimacy or leave him on read more often than not, he will notice the change in behavior. Rip it off and move on. Don't be harmful.

And you will be friends again if you do it this way. Eventually, he'll get over it and you'll have a new normal if you both want it.

Worst pickup line you've ever heard at the Irish Pub (or anywhere)?

Omg. I still don't know if this is the worst or best but:

"Can you sit on my face so I can eat my way to your heart."

Drink order that immediately tells you something about a person?

Vodka martini. You're literally just sipping chilled lighter fluid. (Remember when I said I try not to judge LMAO)

Song that always gets the bar moving?

Bartender by Tpain is one of my favorite ways to get the bar moving, but it's because I eat that shit up hahahahahah.

Most underrated thing on the menu/in AC?

The clam chowder, for sure!

If you could ban one bar behavior forever, what would it be?

Only one?? Hahaha but probably getting belligerent. I know I know, I should want to serve you as much as your heart desires, but being belligerent anywhere is unsafe af. And then when you get cut off, you're pissed and argue with the bartender because "you're a real drinker who can handle their liquor." Everyone believes you, bud. No one wants to deal with that.

ask katie

got a question? send it to katie here: https://www.divinghorseac.com/ask-katie by august 17th to be featured in the next issue.